Empty Shell

Never knowing when the people around me will die. Never knowing even, when I'll die. How I'll die. How much longer can I live with my dear mum. Often gives me a chilly feeling. Feeling of being left behind creeps me like shadows. The longer I live, the longer I felt that life itself is meaningless. Soon, my beloved's death anniversary will arrive. My longing and my feelings, none can reach it. My one and only friend, Wooly. He was always with me a year ago, easing my pain. But now that he's gone. Nothing seems alive to me. Nothing at all... I remember very well. The day he left me. I dug a grave for it in my house yard, crying. Though its hard to dig, I dug as much and as deep as I can, knowing I'll be moving to somewhere else which I then didn't know. I cried my heart and lungs out that day and I didn't even get to sleep. I sat at the yard, staring blankly at the grave. Even when time draws nearer and nearer for me to leave the old house, I never once felt excited about it. Feels like I leave behind something very important there, a part of me wanted to join Wooly in his venture to heaven. I was, however forced to leave.

As empty as I was from losing my precious one, I tried to go with the flow of life. Bullied as always. I've lost my sense of anger... together with true happiness. It started with I couldn't care less about what everyone has done to me and said about it. Lies, lies, lies. Nothing seems real.. even my smile doesn't seems real when i looked in the mirror. I would often think,"Is that stranger really me? What happen to my smile?". I felt like I've put on a permanent emotionless mask, but no matter how hard i tried to change myself. I couldn't forget all those pain I've gone through. All those bullying since high school, betrayal, discrimination... All I ever ask... , is for someone who sincerely care about me aside from my mother. I couldn't get myself to tell her about the things I've gone through outside, she's suffering too as it is.